dust
Dear Ciara,
There are times in our lives where things just move slowly. The hustle and bustle settles as dust on the bookshelf, the noise outside softens, and you find yourself curled up on the couch, a cup of coffee in your hand, wondering how to fill the time. It’s a time of peace. A time for reflection. Or, as The Organist puts it, a well-deserved rest. So, tell me then—why do these moments often feel empty? Devoid of meaning? Why is it that I am so uncomfortable with peace?
If it isn’t apparent from my letters, I’ve recently been feeling stuck (I can’t really put the feeling perfectly into words, so “stuck” will have to suffice). My life feels a little bit too relaxed and repetitive. I am no grand adventurer by any means, but I am finding it weird how cosy and comfortable I am at the moment. I have a decently stable job, a loving partner, a roof over my head. I’m not struggling financially, and while I live far from my family, I still feel really connected to them. There is no great foe in my life, attempting to undo all that is right. Not an awful lot of adversity. Everything is just weirdly good.
My brain can’t handle this. I’m so used to there being struggles—disastrous romantic entanglements, friendship dramas, adversity in the workplace, my own obsessive-compulsive tendencies taking over my life… Right now, none of that is happening. It’s quiet.
It doesn’t help that I am spending a lot of my free time escaping into other lives: through books, I am exploring the streets of Tokyo; and through YouTube, I’ve bought a cottage on the Isle of Skye. I am spending so much time living other lives instead of romanticising my own life, which was supposed to be the point of Dear Ciara—to see the beauty in the everyday, small moments like Kate Llewellyn does.
Now, I know there has been a lot of discourse online about “romanticising your own life”, with many people quite critical of it. But for my purposes, I mean plainly enjoying my life the way it is as it continues to unfold. Seeing the beauty in the simple, as I mentioned before. Of course, I should challenge myself to be better, push myself to do more and have new experiences. But why can’t I sometimes just stop and enjoy the peaceful moments too? Why does there always have to be more?
I’m sure I cannot fix my brain through one letter, but it helps to write it down. Maybe you can offer me some insight that I cannot see.
The song (well, technically "the piece of music", but I digress) for today is:
Apparition de l'Église éternelle – Olivier Messiaen
Messiaen is The Organist’s favourite composer. This is my favourite work of his. It helps clear my thoughts and offers clarity, even if it is a bit intense at times.
Love,
The Gardener